Navigating Family After Grief

By Alison

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

― Leo Tolstoy

When Grief Breaks the Family: Loving Through the Loss

So many times, I hear stories of families falling apart after the death of a loved one. As if the grief of losing someone dear isn't already enough, there's also the painful reality that sometimes, the family unity goes with them.

I’ve lived this. The secrets that were never told. The expectations with the looming unknowns of the aftermath. And while every story is different, I hope sharing mine helps others feel less alone—and maybe helps a few families stay together in the storm.

After my husband David passed, I learned something I never expected: two years before meeting me, he had a breakdown. It lasted two weeks. He was in a job that deeply affected his mental health, and eventually, he left that job in search of something better. But here’s the thing—no one encouraged him to see a therapist. No one told him to talk to a doctor. And no one ever thought to tell me this part of his past while he was alive.

So yes, I was hurt. Deeply. It felt like I was left out of a critical part of his story—something that could have helped me understand him more fully, something that now, in hindsight, carries even more weight. I could have gotten him the help sooner. I would have known not to trust his words.

Navigating In-Law Relationships After Loss

There’s no perfect roadmap for building or maintaining a relationship with your in-laws after your spouse dies. But one thing I’ve learned: it takes effort from both sides. And it’s okay if, for a while, you need to step back.

You’re allowed to say, “I need time.”
You’re allowed to set boundaries that protect your mental health.
You’re allowed to say, “This is how much I can give right now.”

Just try to communicate those boundaries with honesty and kindness. Because healing doesn’t mean cutting everyone out—it means creating space to process grief in your own way. You may need time to adjust your life, you may need time to decide how involved you would like them to be, and you will need time just for yourself.

Why I Chose to Stay Connected

I chose to maintain a relationship with my in-laws for one very important reason: our children.

In all honesty, I knew that if something had happened to me, David would have made sure my parents stayed involved in our children’s lives. He would have gone out of his way to take them to Ohio, to call them, and to keep the doors open.

I wanted my children to know who their father was—not just the version I knew, but the one who grew up with his family. The one with stories, traditions, and a history that existed long before I met him. They deserve to know their roots. They deserve a village of people who love and support them—especially as they learn to live in a world without their dad.

I wanted them to have a strong foundation—a sense of identity through their ancestry—and to learn how to build and maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships. Sure, I could have said, “We don’t speak to their father’s family.” I could have closed every door of communication. But that’s not who I am.

Truthfully, I needed time away from them—to process my feelings and my grief. But I stuck to our weekly FaceTime calls, because I knew it helped them cope; to know David still existed in their eyes, their gestures. His parents had already lost their son. I couldn’t take away the other shining lights of him, too.

To the Ones Who Feel Torn

When I speak with other suicide survivors, I often hear about in-laws being cut off from their grandchildren. Every situation is unique, and sometimes those decisions are made from a place of deep pain or the need to protect. But I can’t help but think about how much more loss that creates.

These grandparents have already lost their child. To also lose connection with their grandchildren—it’s a kind of heartbreak I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Even if your relationship with your in-laws was strained, there may still be ways to keep a thread of connection alive. A photo. A phone call. A letter. An occasional update. Sometimes, that’s enough to keep the door open—for the children’s sake, and for everyone still healing.

Let your children decide later in life how they want to proceed. But an occasional photo is a powerful place to start.

Boundaries and the Bigger Picture

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean closing your heart. It means choosing what is healthiest for you during one of the hardest times in your life.

You can say:

• “I need time before we talk regularly.”
• “I’ll send updates once a month.”
• “Right now, I need to focus on my kids and my own healing.”

And when your children are older, they can decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their extended family or if they want one at all. But this allows them to see you were able to try to form a relationship during a difficult time, instead of cutting the relationship. You’re just making space to breathe, to heal.

Grief doesn’t just change the person who died—it changes everyone left behind. But in that change, there’s still room for compassion. For understanding. For new beginnings.

If you’re navigating life after loss—especially with children and extended family—please know this: You are not alone. You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been given. And sometimes, that’s more than enough.