Reading for Understanding

By Alison

“The death of a significant other by suicide is a stressor of unparalleled magnitude in most people’s lives, and even the most psychologically mature individual may encounter difficulty in responding to it.”

- Edward Dunne,

Suicide and Its Aftermath; Understanding and Counseling the Survivors

Moving Forward

Proceeding weeks after my husband’s suicide I found solace reading books written by survivors. I found that seeing the therapist and the grief counselor wasn’t really the medicine I needed, but I needed to hear from other survivors how to move on. What does life look like? How do I navigate through grief? What to do next? Any book that could give relief and comfort for the upcoming days, weeks, or years – I was gravitating toward them. Furthermore, I was hoping to find why my husband committed suicide – what went wrong?

The hardest part for me was to understand the reasoning why? Why commit suicide? Was your/our life not good enough? Was I not good enough for you? What could have been done differently to save you? I had so many questions going through my head after his death and absolutely had no answers.

After David’s passing, I recalled having a conversation with him about suicide after my cousin’s wife committed suicide at their house in their car several years ago. He was astonished that she was able to pull the trigger and even said he could never pull the trigger – that would be the hardest thing to ever do. It was an open conversation on how we were able to support each other through the hardest parts of our lives and suicide should never be an option. When I recalled that conversation after his death, I was so mad at him for lying to me!

Reading for Understanding

I was always a studious person—if I became hooked on a topic, I would dive deep into research until I found an answer that satisfied me. When my husband passed, I knew there was no book that could explain his mental state, but that didn’t stop me from seeking some kind of understanding. What I did find, though, was comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone in my grief. I could read about other people’s experiences and see reflections of my own pain, which, in some strange way, made the loss feel a little less isolating.

I’ll admit, I could have gone to a support group, sat with strangers, and cried my eyes out. Maybe I could have found comfort in their sympathy. But, honestly, I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t want to hear about anyone else’s grief; I was too consumed with my own. I had three incredible kids to raise, and that became my focus. I needed to be there for them, to show up as best I could, even if I was struggling inside.

I don’t mean to sound self-centered, but that’s where I was at mentally. I was just trying to survive. And in my way, that meant facing my grief alone, on my own terms, while trying to navigate life for the sake of my children. Sometimes, we have to prioritize our own mental space to figure out how to move forward.

No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine

One of the first books I turned to in my grief journey was Carla Fine’s No Time to Say Goodbye, and I cannot recommend it enough. This book profoundly broke down the process of grief in a way that felt incredibly real and relatable. Each chapter spoke directly to the stages and emotions I faced after losing my husband to suicide—from the initial shock and pain, to the long, often isolating road of living in survival mode.

Fine writes from the depths of her own experience, bringing readers with her from darkness into light. She doesn’t shy away from the hard emotions—shame, anger, guilt, confusion, loneliness, feeling adrift—but instead embraces them, allowing readers to feel seen and safe in their own reactions. Her honesty offers comfort and solidarity, reminding you that you're not alone in this unique kind of grief.

This book is not just a resource—it’s a companion for anyone navigating the aftermath of suicide loss.

Dying to Be Free by Beverly Cobain & Jena Larch

The next book I turned to in my healing process was Dying to Be Free by Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch. I’ll admit, I was initially drawn to it because of Beverly’s connection to Kurt Cobain. It reminded me that mental health challenges and suicide touch all walks of life—even those who seem to “have everything.” That realization made the book feel even more important to me.

What stood out in Dying to Be Free was its structure: a collection of individual stories from survivors who’ve lost someone to suicide. Each voice felt raw and real, and together they painted a deeply human portrait of grief, confusion, and resilience. The authors also explore the fatal tunnel vision that someone in deep psychological pain—what they call psychache—may experience, offering insight into what suicide might look and feel like from the inside.

The book also courageously addresses the hidden emotions and the heavy stigma that often surrounds suicide. It helped put words to the isolation, misunderstanding, and complex grief that many survivors silently carry. This book doesn’t just share stories—it breaks down barriers and fosters compassion.