Is Love the Greatest Tragedy?

By Alison

“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
— Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam A.H.H

Is LOVE the greatest tragedy?

Crazy about a love story, who wouldn’t be? The princess meets the prince, you fall in love, have a family, and build a life together – that was the love story we were always told and always believed, right? Unfortunately, my love story didn’t end that way, it was more of a tragedy – actually a horrific tragedy since I was the one who found my husband with a gun beside his head.

My husband was not only my best friend, but a father, son, grandson, friend, cousin, and uncle – he was a person, so how could he leave his family in such a disarray you may wonder? It was out of love… he didn’t want to be a burden on us nor live with what he was going through mentally. It took me over three years after his death, plus seeing psychiatrist, grief counselors, and reading numerous books on suicide to understand his way of loving his family.

Our LOVE story –

Love is a strong word, but very magical – especially once you find the meaning for yourself. My husband, David, and I fell in love very fast - six months of dating prior to engagement, married seven months later. We were in love…

Both of us were in our early 30s when we met, looking for a relationship, marriage, children, and a family – we were ready! We actually met on eHarmony, probably could have been on one of those notorious dating commercials for the company. We were extremely compatible for each other; the online dating game gave our friends hope as well in the online dating world. When it came to values, we had a lot of the same life principles, family ethics, creative/intellectual processes, and interests – we even had the same birth date. Crazy, huh? I know. They always say when you know, you know. We absolutely knew we were meant to be together.

Several years later, we had three beautiful children with the help of modern medicine since I struggled with miscarrying. We stood by each other during each appointment and walked hand to hand into the clinics for artificial insemination then finally IVF. Conceiving a family wasn’t easy for us at first, since only one embryo made it to the final round; a strong little girl arrived. Luckily, our next two children came a lot easier naturally, but all made with love.

We had a great life together and looked forward to watching our grandchildren playing while we sat on the front porch rocking chairs. Our life was planned, but within an instant my world came shattering down. On the morning of September 21, 2021, I found my husband’s body in the shed with a gun by his head. I couldn’t walk any further into the shed than the doorway. The rest of the day became a blur. All I remember of that day was being questioned several times by the detectives, crying in a dark bedroom sitting on the floor, and asking repeatedly to everyone “What do I tell my children?” At the time our children were three, two, and eleven months old and I was at a loss on how to move forward. I never thought my life would take such a sharp turn.

Why wasn’t LOVE enough?

People asked if I saw the signs, the truth is, he was depressed for two weeks prior to his death because of work. David was a perfectionist and he hated letting people down. It also didn’t help that we were coming out of COVID and his company performed two rounds of lay-offs, plus having issues receiving their products from manufacturers. He was a consultant for an electronic company and lost a major contract; he believed he was going to be fired. 

He took a vacation from work. Met with a doctor and was going to be setting up an appointment with a therapist. David was heading in the right direction to recovery. He also had the option to quit his job if he wanted an upper hand and stay home with the kids for a while, until he found something that he loved. We were each other’s rock. Best friends. I would have supported his decision with his job and the route he would want to take in his life, that would give him the most confidence and peace of mind. Although, it was already too late; his mind was made up about his life.

I will always remember the last time we spoke together, kissed and said goodnight. I said, “We will get through this together, and I love you.” His response, “I love you too.” I wish I knew that this was the last time I would hear him say ‘I love you.’ My husband was my heart, and I was his. The hardest part was knowing I would never be embraced by him, see him, speak with him, see him dance poorly, tell his same jokes over again, but I know we will always be loved by him in spirit – he is now our guardian angel. 

To lose a LOVE 

Everyone has their own meaning and interpretation of love whether it is through words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. I honestly could not say which one I leaned towards to because I received them all from David – he always tried to make me/us feel special without knowing why? I loved him for trying…

When speaking to other people who lost someone to suicide or a friend about my husband’s passing. I always ask them this question ‘Should I be the greedy one asking him to live a life that he didn’t love or was he the greedy one for giving up?’ My answer: I would never ask him to live a life he would always have to fight for, because I loved him – it was his life, and he was done fighting.

After David’s passing, I did find out that he had a previous breakdown a couple of years prior to us meeting and never reached out for professional help; resentment (probably not the strongest word I could use) was what I felt for not being told this earlier. There was a lot of anguish that no one stepped in and had him see a professional even if it was for a short time. As much as I want to hold a grudge – I cannot, because I love him too much and knew he wouldn’t want me to live my life in anguish for his decisions.

Love holds no barriers, no rules – it is all held within your heart and your mind. You can never deny how you feel, and the hardest thing is letting it go when it is lost, but remember spirit is always around so their love will live with you forever. 

So, is love the greatest tragedy? Probably one of the greatest experiences in our lives, and I would absolutely fall in love with him all over again, knowing it would end in a tragedy.